Last Writes

Fifty years ago, on April 5, 1964, General Douglas MacArthur passed away. When he retired from the military in 1951, he declaimed the famous line “Old soldiers never die — they just fade away.” But five-star generals are not the only ones who never say die:

* Old librarians never die — they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.
* Old crossword puzzlers never die — they just go across and up.
* Old milkmaids never die — they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.
* Old plumbers never die — they just get out of sink and go down the drain.
* Old teachers never die — they just grade away and lose their principals, their faculties, and their class.
* Old mimes never die — they’re just never heard from again.
* Old housemaids never die — they just return to dust.
* Old classicists never die — they just keep declining.
* Old can collectors never die — they just go to the redemption center.
* Old candlemakers never die — they just get snuffed out.
* Old cartoonists never die — they just draw their last breath and go into a state of suspended animation.
* Old gangsters never die — they just go to the underworld.
* Old Egypt tourists never die — they just go senile and meet their mummies.
* Old calliope players never die — they just run out of steam.
* Old songwriters never die — they just decompose.
* Old bowlers never die — they just end up in the gutter.
* Old air-conditioner repairmen never die — they just lose their cool.
* Old gardeners never die — they just go to seed and pot.
* Old golfers never die — they just lose their drive.
* Old gamblers never die — they just cash in their chips and get discarded.
* Old statisticians never die — they just get broken down by age, sex, and marital status.
* Finally, we old columnists never die — we just lose our circulation.

Had enough? No? Good. Fill in each blank in this die-hard quiz. Suggested answers follow.

1. Old quarterbacks never die — they just fade back and _____ away.
2. Old skiers never die — they just go _____.
3. Old Australians never die — they just end up _____.
4. Old tree surgeons never die — they just pine away and take a final _____.
5. Old sausage makers never die — they just take a turn for the _____.
6. Old bricklayers never die — they just throw in the _____.
7. Old logicians never die — they just vacate the _____.
8. Old welders never die — they just pass the _____.
9. Old florists never die — they just rest on their _____.
10. Old clockmakers never die — they just get _____.

Answers
1. pass
2. downhill
3. Down Under
4. bough
5. wurst
6. trowel
7. premises
8. torch
9. laurels
10. run down (and ticked off)

Richard Lederer, MAT English and education, PhD linguistics, is the author of more than 40 books on language, history, and humor. His latest book, Amazing Words, a career-capping anthology of bedazzling, beguiling, and bewitching words, is available now at his website — www.verbivore.com.